Nicola Renfer knows pain. She has suffered from migraine attacks since childhood. Taking painkillers almost every day and the breaks she needed allowed her to manage her day-to-day life relatively well for a long time, she explains. This changed in winter 2022 after she experienced a mild course of COVID-19 infection. She describes how her headaches became far worse and she developed an excessive sensitivity to pain (allodynia) and tinnitus on the right side of her head. Renfer also reports suddenly experiencing misophonia – an extreme sensitivity to certain everyday noises. Her son biting into an apple, for example. Or the countless keystrokes applied to keyboards in the reception area of a doctor’s practice. All harsh, staccato sounds and many other stimuli torment Nicola Renfer.
After COVID, the pain remained at an unprecedented level
While her family recovered quickly from the acute course of the illness they experienced, Nicola Renfer's symptoms remained. COVID-19 intensified the pain she already had beyond measure, which remains unchanged to this day.
“Covid exploited my vulnerabilities.”
Shortly after becoming infected, she went back to her job as a high school teacher of Italian and history. After just a few days, she realized that working was no longer possible. It took her some time to accept that she was no longer able to keep up with her normal everyday routine. While strong painkillers used to enable her to lead a seemingly normal day-to-day life and to work, even these could no longer alleviate her omnipresent pain after COVID-19.
A return to work was a long way off
Time and time again, the 42-year-old hoped to be able to return to work soon, but to no avail, as the constant migraine attacks and increased sensitivity prevented her from being able to teach. After an exhausting period in which Renfer went from specialist to specialist, the prospect of the pain being a long-term effect became real.
“Poetry simply resonates with people differently. It affects people more deeply than normal words.”
This meant saying goodbye to her usual social life, exercise routine and work. It also led her to search for a new task – one that can coexist with her pain. What Nicola Renfer found was a task that not only coexists but is fueled by her pain. “Channeling pain into passion” – this is how Renfer describes the meaning of poetry.
“When I am suffering from the most intense pain, the words come naturally”
She has always loved languages. She did not begin to write poems herself until she was advised to do so by her trusted doctor, who accompanies her in her fight against the pain, says Nicola. Poetry helps her on many different levels; when the pain is at its most intense, the words come naturally and help her to cope, she explains. The poems also offered her a wonderful opportunity to make herself heard: “Poetry simply resonates with people differently. It affects people more deeply than normal words.”
Nicola Renfer writes poems. (Photo: Mimmo Muscio, Birsforum Medien GmbH)
This way of making oneself understood plays a very important role for Nicola Renfer. She says it is challenging to explain to those around her how this omnipresent, invisible pain affects her. Family and friends are watching their mother, wife, daughter, friend and colleague change – and have to find ways to deal with it. This has not been easy for anyone involved, but the family has grown closer during this time.
Taking part in life despite her guilt
In poetry, Nicola Renfer found the strength to deal with the pain that accompanies her and the courage to take on this task despite being on sick leave. She tells other affected people that: “You’re allowed to make yourself seen! I can’t work or have a normal day-to-day life, but I can write – and that's not a crime.” She believes that despite their illness, affected people need to have the courage to take part in life again little by little – otherwise it would be impossible to cope. Nicola Renfer also visibly struggles during our conversation – again and again, she has to close her eyes for a few seconds to deal with the many stimuli. “You find methods that work for you,” she explains.
Poem: Worte wie Treibgut (Bild)
These days, poetry enables Nicola Renfer to cope with her pain. She also regularly receives antibody therapy as part of her migraine treatment. It is hoped that this will at least be able to flatten out the peaks of her pain somewhat.
UPDATE April 2023: Nicola Renfer was diagnosed with ME and PEM after the symptoms had partially worsened. This helps her to explain and understand the suffering even before the COVID infection, she reports.
Encouraging others
Since she is unable to return to her job as a teacher, Renfer hopes to be able to make writing her central mission. As a health ambassador, she wants to encourage others affected by Long COVID while also dedicating herself to her poetry.
Readings, a social media account and, in the long term, a collection of poems are examples of projects that Renfer wants to tackle in the future, depending on her health.
“From a sore point to a turning point” – this accurately describes how the pain that tormented her for so long suddenly spurred her on to her new mission.
Anyone interested in discussing the topic of “Coping with Long COVID using poetry” with Ms. Renfer is welcome to contact her by email.
An extract from the poem “Spinnend bleibt’s spannend”
